Random Contemplation

I was sitting in my room this afternoon thinking about…stuff…and my mind randomly came across this particular line from the ‘98 Meg Ryan-Tom Hanks big screen reunion flick You’ve Got Mail. Joe(Hanks) got stuck in an elevator on his way to his apartment. While being stuck inside, waiting for rescue, he and the others who were inside talked about what they would be doing if they ever got out of the elevator. Later on, he relays the event to his online buddy Kathleen(Ryan). Joe says to Kathleen…“There was a man sitting in the elevator with me, who knew exactly what he wanted…and I found myself wishing I were as lucky as he.”

Just like Joe, I kinda found myself wishing, too, that I were as lucky as that guy who knew what he was gonna do after he got out of the elevator. I mean not that I’m stuck in an elevator or anything, but my life…it just seems rather..unsure.

People always talk about never being afraid to reach for our star. To go for your dreams. To always have faith. Well, I don’t exactly have a problem doing that. On the contrary, I’d think my problem is even bigger ‘coz I kind of don’t know what I want with my life. The general objectives are in tact, but the slots for the specific ones remain unfilled.

I think it’s probably because of wanting so much to do with my life. I mean…how could you possibly be reaching for your star when there’s about a hundred of them up there and you don’t know which one to reach for?

What do I really really want? I’ve been figuring it out for as long as I can remember. At one time during my high school years, I thought about it, too and I figured that maybe I should start by remembering ‘what I wanted to be ‘ when I was little. Kindegarten little. And so I looked for my yearbook ‘coz I recalled that there was this “I want to be a…” section under our graduation pictures. And as I looked through the pages and found my profile, guess what I wanted to be…a nun. I was flabbergasted and awed at the same time with what I read. I mean, I don’t remember ever wanting to be a nun in all my years of growing up. After having been stunned by my somewhat rediscovery of my then-ambition, I did a little soul-searching and tried to delve into my conscience, asking if I still wanted to be that(a nun). And well…I uh…I kinda wondered how I ever got into the notion. I just didn’t see myself as one. Still don’t. Not there’s anything wrong in being one, it’s just that I find that there’s something not right about my being one.

Ok…so at least at that point I moved a half a step forward by finding out I wasn’t going to be one thing. But ’til now, I still don’t know what another thing I am gonna be. Thaaat’s right. I haven’t got it all figured out yet. That’s what I’m always praying for now. Guidance and enlightenment.

I pray that I’m not in the wrong path. And I pray that if I were in the wrong path, He’d be with me all along. That way, it wouldn’t be so wrong after all…’coz I know that whatever path I am now in, if He’s always gonna be with me, then it would feel right all along. *xhale*

Lead me please.

To Mom

To one of the two reasons why I’m brought to this world…to the one who is the biggest reason why I am what I am today…and to the one sent by God to teach me what love is like…

Happy Mother’s day, Ma!

No words could ever express this gratefulness for everything you’ve done for me. You are more than just my Mom…you’re my angel.